I’m a mother of five, wife to a wonderfully supportive husband, and someone who cherishes morning coffee, family Netflix nights, and all things self-development. Yet, despite modeling confidence for my kids daily—negotiating screen time, homework, and bedtime—stepping outside my family bubble often leaves me tongue-tied. Asking for what I need at work, with acquaintances, or even with delivery crews can feel as daunting as scaling Everest.
Last week, for example, I faced a perfect assertiveness challenge. Two new power‑recliner sofas arrived from Costco. The delivery guys hustled out of sight before I could inspect them. When one chair wouldn’t power on, I asked to test it before signing the paperwork. Their impatient stare and request to “just sign first” brought back childhood memories of being shamed for always following rules. In that moment, I had to draw on every ounce of calm and speak up: I held out the papers, plugged in the chair, verified it worked—and only then did I sign.
That small act of self‑advocacy reminded me how powerful—and necessary—assertiveness can be. If you’ve ever worried that speaking up makes you seem selfish or aggressive, read on. These five gentle tips can ease you into expressing your needs with confidence and kindness—both for you and for those watching, like your children.
What Is Assertiveness—and Why Does It Matter?
The Cambridge Dictionary defines assertiveness as “behaving confidently and not frightened to say what you want or believe.” It’s a learned skill, not an inborn talent, and it sits between passivity (letting others decide for you) and aggression (trying to decide for others).
According to the Mayo Clinic, chronic passivity can lead to:
- Stress and resentment
- Seething anger
- Feelings of victimization
- Even the urge for revenge
In contrast, assertiveness delivers lasting benefits:
- Self‑respect and confidence: You stand by your own needs.
- Better relationships: Clear, respectful communication honors everyone’s dignity.
- Guilt‑free boundaries: Learning to say “No” frees up your time and energy.
- Positive role modeling: Your children learn to voice their feelings and wishes while respecting others.
1. Know Yourself
Many of us have spent years sidelining our own preferences in favor of others’. Before you can speak up, you must know what you truly want. Next time you end a conversation feeling frustrated or resentful, pause: what went unsaid? Maybe you agreed to lead your child’s class party even though you loathe crafts. Identifying that discomfort is the first step to communicating a boundary—“I’d love to help another time, but I’m not available for the party.”
2. Slow Down
When our heart races, our words tumble out—sometimes louder or sharper than intended. Give yourself permission to pause, breathe, and frame your request. For example:
“I appreciate that you’re in a hurry. Let me just confirm this sofa works as promised, and then I’ll sign.”
This measured approach shows respect for both parties’ needs, and it gives you space to choose your tone and words carefully.
3. Lead with “I” Statements
Starting sentences with “You” can sound accusatory: “You never listen,” “You forgot to…” Flip the script with “I” statements that own your feelings and needs:
- I feel uncertain about signing until I verify the recliner functions.
- I need a few extra minutes to test this.
- I want to make sure everything works before finalizing.
This subtle shift keeps the focus on your perspective, lowers the listener’s defenses, and opens a collaborative dialogue.
4. Mind Your Body Language
Assertive communication is more than words—it’s conveyed through posture, eye contact, and tone. Try:
- Stand or sit tall: Straight spine signals confidence.
- Maintain gentle eye contact: It shows you’re engaged and sincere.
- Speak clearly and at a moderate volume: Imagine you’re talking to a friend across a small table.
Amy Cuddy’s research on “power poses” suggests that holding expansive, open postures—even for just two minutes—can boost your self‑confidence and reduce stress hormones before a challenging conversation.
5. Practice, Practice, Practice
True confidence grows in the small moments. Begin with low‑stakes scenarios:
- Return a meal at a restaurant if it’s not what you ordered.
- Ask for a side of dressing or an extra napkin.
- Choose the movie or restaurant when friends can’t decide.
Then, build up to bigger asks: discuss a misplaced package with your neighbor, negotiate flexible hours at work, or clarify project expectations with a vendor. Each successful practice reinforces your right to speak up—and shows your children, too, that their voices matter.
Modeling Assertiveness for Our Children
When children see us respectfully insisting on our needs, they learn to do the same—without crossing into aggression. They observe how we negotiate, listen, and stand firm, and they adopt those behaviors themselves. In a world that sometimes rewards the loudest voices, teaching gentle assertiveness is a gift we give our kids: the ability to advocate for themselves and listen to others in equal measure.
Conclusion
Back to my sofa fiasco: when the delivery man hovered impatiently, I summoned my courage, paused, and insisted on the test. I neither yelled nor backed down. I simply honored my own peace of mind, and he complied. That small victory felt huge—a reminder that assertiveness is not a battle, but a dialogue where kindness and clarity coexist.
Your next opportunity to speak up is waiting. Notice it. Breathe. Practice these five gentle tips. With time, you’ll find your voice grows steadier, your confidence stronger, and your relationships richer. And your children? They’ll thank you—by finding their own voices, too.
